Getting slocer to new things

I'm BACK!
I feel like I'm getting a divorce from this blog.
I like my blog, but this is not where I want to be at this time.
I want pretty, I want more focused, I want more me.
I'm teaming up with a sweet lady, who will help me design a new blog.
My hope is to link everything into one: I want to become a brand.
Now, I don't know what all of that means, I just know that I have found my focus, ART, and I want to concentrate on that.  Of course I don't take myself or anything I do too seriously, so I am hoping that my light heartedness shows through it all.
I am nervous.
I feel like I am letting out a big secret.
I also need to let go of perfection, as that is just not something I'm capable off, and truly, it is not light hearted at all.
So I could go on rambling on and on, but I actually have some "homework" to do, so I am getting to it.
Stay tuned to find out when new things are happening.

Listen

"You have to be brave with your life, so that others can be brave with theirs."

I have been in a strange place lately.
Lots of anxiety, deep breathing, gratitude, nervousness, unsettled.
My heart is filled with gratitude lately, which I absolutely LOVE.
In the last week or so, there hasn't been a day where I can't find at least one thing to be grateful for.
This is exciting, and scary all at the same time.
When the excitement wears off, that's when lots of deep breathing comes in.

I just turned down my husband in going over to a friend's house.
He took O, and I know they'll have a great time.
I know my husband wanted all of us to go, but the little guy is napping, and my heart is asking for a one-on-one conversation with me.
I have to listen to it, because I often don't, and the message I hear today is
"It's OK to invest in yourself.
"It's OK to let the fear go.
It's OK to put in effort,
It's OK to succeed,
It's OK to be afraid AND still do it."

Kind words from myself TO myself are a rarity.
It only happens once a year, or every five years, or every couple of seasons.
I am feeling a shift, and a change.
On Wednesday I wanted to "strangle" one of my co-workers, today I listened and comforted as he vented to me. 
Today I felt like my heart was open, and today I felt that I needed to listen, and to be there, and to see THE OTHER SIDE of the person, their story, their angst.
Now, it's not unusual for me to do this...with friends...but someone I feel indifferent about?
That is unusual, it is hard, yet not hard at all at the same time.

My little heart is telling me things, and I am listening.
I work best when left alone I think, I work best when no one is watching, but I wanted to come out and share this today. 

Balloon house

No one has turned two yet.
We had family photos taken yesterday, and I made sure to get a photo taken to use in our invitations.
The balloons of course came home to us, and after O's request to untie the balloons, and let them loose, so she can have a "balloon house," they're been floating around. 

It sort of coincides with the fear I'm breaking down today:
The fear: my dream is just out there (as in, GIRL, WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?)
Legitimate or not: well...maybe - maybe not?! Is that an answer?  I'd say it's not, because as much as I doubt myself, I know that at least my dreams COULD HAPPEN...I'm not trying to be the next Alicia Keys
Solution: I say DREAM, DREAM BIG!  I have a quote on my fridge, it reads
"Be faithful in small things, because it is in them that your strength lies." - Mother Teresa
Although dreaming big is important, it is the small steps we take that success occurs.
I read this quote every morning before work, and as silly as it sounds, when I remember this quote, I focus in, and even the mundane of tasks take on a bigger meaning, and the end result is better than it would have been if I just went through the motions.

Keep DREAMING, keep DOING.

Possibilities

Possibilities: Are you addicted to them?
Come on...be honest.

For me:

- the possibility of a new kitchen makes me want to cook
- the possibility of a successful business makes me want to quit my day job (which I am successful and great at)
- the possibility of losing weight makes me giddy with all the possible outfits I can wear (this is the girl who spent all 4 years of college COLLECTING sweatpants)
- the possibility of a clean house makes me want to invite everyone I know over and show off

I guess there is nothing wrong about these possibilities.
The reality is that a new kitchen will cost between $25,000 to $50,000.  Money I don't have, and money I am afraid at this time to get a loan on.

The reality is that a successful business will take time and dedication, and money.  I do work 40 + (and by + I mean up to 20 hours over a full-time work week) I do dedicate myself to studying and learning, however I don't give it 100% as quiet time is hard to come by, and when I do get quiet time, I am usually zoned out, or asleep due to the exhaustion from my day job.  Money - for this I am willing to take out a loan, however the hubby is not on board (yet) so I am waiting.

The reality is that losing weight is tough, and that I have a horrible sweet tooth, and my willpower SUCKS.  I am also incapable of wearing things that match, or wearing things that look good together.  I just don't have the gene, I am no Lauren Conrad, who can pull any outfit off.

The reality is that my house can be clean for a couple hours, then between myself, the hubby, and the kiddos, it goes back to disaster mode within seconds.

These are not my excuses. 
This is my current reality.

I love dreaming BIG, and I love living in my head surrounded by possibilities.
Real life awaits though.

No worries though.  I am not giving up any time soon.  I am not wallowing in my reality.  Truth is my reality is pretty darn good.  It's almost perfect, it truly is. 

I am a person who dreams, and doesn't do.  I am a person who will lift you up, tell you things that will get you going, however I cannot do the same for myself.

I am a work in progress.

Re-learning home love

I am re-learning to love our house.
Don't get me wrong, I love it, I just usually find something wrong with it.
Many days I lack the motivation to tidy up, until the mess and frustration take over and we have to do a mass clean up.  That is not the way to be...as learned today with yet another disagreement about who does what and when, who does more, who does less, who does what needs to be done, etc.

O is at this stage, and it is summer, that friends are coming in and out. 
Friends are using the bathroom, friends are playing in her room, friends are running through the kitchen, etc.  I don't have the energy or the desire to be worrying about undies on the floor, or overflowing garbage.  It dawned on me today as the kids were running around with a bloody nose (nothing serious, everyone is OK) that I was worried about the bathroom, and in the BIG picture, cleaning up the bloody nose was more important than a pair of underwear on the floor.  Perspective is a big thing :)

Anyways, it dawned on me that I treasure and value our house, that I want people to feel welcomed, cozy, happy, etc. when they enter.  Since friends were not allowed at my childhood home all that much, I always wanted a noisy house, the cool house, the busy house.  Now that I have it (and the kids are not even in elementary school yet) I sometimes get overwhelmed, but I know it's my poor planning, and procrastination that are causing this anxiety.

I love our house, but I need to re-learn to love it more, to accept it and to keep it a nice place, without going nutty in the process.

Art has saved my soul

I have always been artistic, however the intensity of wanting to create came with a huge BOOM after the birth of O.  All of a sudden, having ideas was no longer OK, I needed to make things, no matter what it was.  As O got older, this became that my better and sweeter as she has joined me in art making.

I'm no Martha Stewart.
I'm no artist with a published book.
I am a person that has an imagination.

A simple letter K, bought at Joann's.  K is for our last name

K during getting all dressed up in fabric.  I got a packet of fabric scraps at Joann's and just went with it.

My K hanging on my "gallery wall."  I call it that because I can :) I like how it turned out.

I bought this wooden plaque at Michael's.  I know I overpaid, but this girl forgets her coupons ALL the time.  I am obsessed with these plaques.  I think the shape is what speaks to me.

I've decided to go for a bit of an ombre effect.  I am not done with this.  I don't know what the finished product will look like.  I dreamed this up in my head and needed to get it out.

My soul feels better now.


Linking up here

My art

My art doesn't get better because I give up on it.
Perfection is my goal, plain laziness is how I want to get there.
Since I live so much in my head, I can draw, paint, make things to perfection. It's getting it out into the world, and seeing it, and knowing practice would make it so much better, yet I give up before I even start.

I was never asked to do much or become much, other than to get an education and be good at that.
I suceeded...at the getting an education part. Sure I'm smart and I have two college degrees, but it wasn't straight A's or even B's. There was the statistics class I had to take twice, and still barely passed it with a C. There was an advanced behavioral psychology class that loomed over me literally hours before graduation. I walked for my diplomas, but it wasn't until my certificates came in the mail that I believed I had actually obtained my degrees.

I wish I discovered my art when I was in college. I had a lot of free time on my hands, very few friends, and a lot of free nights. Instead of dwelling in my depression, I could have been creating. Yet it wasn't so. I didn't know better. The world wasn't open to me then. I wasn't open to it.

As I was then, I am finding myself now. I'm wiser, smarter, braver, and more aware now. I think I have figured out who I am, at least at the core, and now these little parts of me want to come to light. I have said before that if I could do college all over again, I would be an architect. I can't draw a straight line if my life depended on it, but in school, I did as I was told. I would have finished, I would have learned to draw a straight line.

I have to learn without school now. There are many tools out there, and I reach every one that comes my way. This is a problem at times too, as I take on too much and finish very little. 

I have projects that need to be finished.
I have projects in my head that need to be hushed so they don't take over.
As the year is coming to an end, I am feeling a lof of pressure to finish so much.
My mom always said one should never start a new year with owing somebody money. 
Well I do owe somebody money, but I also owe it to myself and this house to finish up what was started probably months ago.