My art doesn't get better because I give up on it.
Perfection is my goal, plain laziness is how I want to get there.
Since I live so much in my head, I can draw, paint, make things to perfection. It's getting it out into the world, and seeing it, and knowing practice would make it so much better, yet I give up before I even start.
I was never asked to do much or become much, other than to get an education and be good at that.
I suceeded...at the getting an education part. Sure I'm smart and I have two college degrees, but it wasn't straight A's or even B's. There was the statistics class I had to take twice, and still barely passed it with a C. There was an advanced behavioral psychology class that loomed over me literally hours before graduation. I walked for my diplomas, but it wasn't until my certificates came in the mail that I believed I had actually obtained my degrees.
I wish I discovered my art when I was in college. I had a lot of free time on my hands, very few friends, and a lot of free nights. Instead of dwelling in my depression, I could have been creating. Yet it wasn't so. I didn't know better. The world wasn't open to me then. I wasn't open to it.
As I was then, I am finding myself now. I'm wiser, smarter, braver, and more aware now. I think I have figured out who I am, at least at the core, and now these little parts of me want to come to light. I have said before that if I could do college all over again, I would be an architect. I can't draw a straight line if my life depended on it, but in school, I did as I was told. I would have finished, I would have learned to draw a straight line.
I have to learn without school now. There are many tools out there, and I reach every one that comes my way. This is a problem at times too, as I take on too much and finish very little.
I have projects that need to be finished.
I have projects in my head that need to be hushed so they don't take over.
As the year is coming to an end, I am feeling a lof of pressure to finish so much.
My mom always said one should never start a new year with owing somebody money.
Well I do owe somebody money, but I also owe it to myself and this house to finish up what was started probably months ago.